I Only Cried Twice (poem)

by E.h. Bennett

Moon freckles. Ginger.

Snaps.

Thank you, Bible God, for Alex.

What if I’m the last woman on Earth.only I’m really short and when they send the search planes they can’t see me because I’m invisible?

What if the reason I can’t feel my arms is because I’m a marble torso?

I spy my toes.

The presents are all wrapped and under the tree and it’s only Christmas Eve — Day –Morning… Christmas Morning. Things could be much, much worse.

I’m so cold, I wish you were here — Hey Daddy, did I ever tell you that I swore under my breath that I’d do good?

Make you proud of me someday?

Sorry that never happened.

When I was five-years-old and tripped over your bedroom rugand split open my chin on your bedside table, and the nurse draped a white sheet over my body with a hole cut out for my chin?

I screamed because I thought I was dead and I didn’t want to die. Even at five I knew.

Did Ivan know he was about to die?

No tears.

Okay maybe twice.

Happy tears when Daddy gave me an acoustic guitar for Christmas.

I couldn’t believe it. The music the magic. The only thing we ever really had in common. Lying on the living room floor listening to vinyl records. Happy memories.

Broken branches
Broken bucket list
Beach front cottage windows
On every whitewall
Crashing waves
Salty air.
I can breathe

Seeking forgiveness seeking joy again seeking anything but guilty tears.
Every child’s laugh his laugh.

His arms beggingto be held.

His sweet everything.

How do I answer when my everything is gone?

What did I do?
My child, my son was in his stroller.
Outside work’s security door. About to enter.
The key code.
When they stormed in.
“We’ll kill you and the kid, if you don’t open the door.”
Cocked – Ready – Primed – Aimed – At me.
“I don’t matter. Please don’t kill my baby.”
“Open the door bitch.”
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?

SHOOT ME ALREADY.

What did I do?
What did I do?
What did I do?

© 2017 E.h. Bennett

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