The fragrance of my shampoo is prickly pear.  While I lather my head with this stuff, without even knowing what it really looks like (the cactus variety) I imagine prickly pear as the delicate Bartlett pear.  (I think the Bartlett variety is the more easily bruised compared to the Bosc or Anjou.)  Then I see the thorns sticking out of it protecting the juicy tasty flesh the inviting light green color and odor of the fruit.  I sometimes feel like a prickly pear.

It’s easy to get use to the mode of being closed and protected when it ALL seems too much – too much betrayal of others and self.  So, I wanted to change this mode of being.  It simply would not do as I was aware that this mode will not sustain a healthy way of living.  Get rid of the thorns and just be yourself; someone who many describe as sweet and sensitive. 

A short diversion about Luther Burbank, a noted botanist, who was a good friend of Paramahansa Yogananda.  He developed a spineless and thornless variety of cactus and he said:

While I was conducting experiments to make ”spineless” cactus, I often talked to the plants to create a vibration of love. ”You have nothing to fear.” I would tell them. ”You don’t need your defensive thorns. I will protect you.” Gradually the useful plant of the desert emerged in a thornless variety. (Paramahansa Yogananda, Autobiography of a Yogi, Jaico Publishing House, Bombay, Second Indian Edition, 1975, Twelfth Impression, p. 353.)

Rounding back to my original thought, I am reminded of an incident when I shared a scene with my class from my play.  My mentor asked me, “couldn’t you have some compassion for …” (a particular character in the story.)  He pointed out that I was lacking love and that I was writing with my thumb on the scale; and being the writer with the omniscient point of view I was writing with an agenda which the audience would easily be turned off about.  No one wants to be dictated to.  So I took a step back.  I wasn’t aware of what was happening in the writing. 

Explore the nature of what I’m trying to express.  This is what is more interesting rather than tipping the scale to say in the story that my hero is right and everyone else constellating around him is wrong.  It’s all of them constellating around the theme. 

The imperfect hero, I decided, is what I want to write about.  I think this is more interesting and real rather than the hero who is shown as perfectly right.  I could show him as thinking he’s perfectly right, and then show his arc when he realizes it’s not the whole truth.  There are other dimensions and not one is perfect. 

Back to prickly pear me.  When I’m aware of my modus operandi then I’ve observed my tendency to inject into my writing what I’m thinking and feeling at a personal level.  The awareness often (hopefully) makes me stop, because it makes for a disastrous piece of writing.  I could do all that in my morning pages.  Use that for all the crap and then get on with the real business of writing.

As I close my blogging week, I wanted to share with you that today I initiated the dialogue with the studio I work with about LAFPI.  I started it with an email to one of the teachers/directors of the studio.  He’ll be back on the week of October 18th, and we’ve agreed to talk in person then.

It feels good to have opened the window.  At least I know he’s open to the idea.  I explained about LAFPI and its grassroots, and described the goals we list in our website.  I also introduced the usage of our logo as “deemed appropriate” by the studio.

The worst of my fear has been slain dead.  It was really the fear of the unknown, and my pre-conception that I would be rejected.  Thinking about it makes me realize the immaturity of that mode. 

– Analyn

 The soft and red shade of the ripe prickly pear below is what the imperfect hero’s heart is like.  It breathes and bleeds life.

Our lives move along its path in varying degrees of speed and directions.  Like any journey it’s a sound practice to stop and re-orient ourselves to make sure we’re not deviating from our target destination.

 In my Yahoo! inbox this morning I found an email from the Dramatists Guild Women’s Initiative.  In reading the content it echoed a lot of what LAFPI is all about.  The email from the Dramatists Guild was an excellent reminder of why I’m part of LAFPI.

Revisiting the goals listed in our website is the same as revisiting personal affirmations we make to align ourselves towards our true path as we move from the micro to the macro in our vision of the shaping of our lives.  The micro influences the macro and vice versa.  The analogy that comes to mind is the 3^rd law of Newton’s Law of Motion of action-reaction where as described in Wikipedia as:

The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear.

This means that whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body exerts a force −F on the first body.

F and −F are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction. This law is sometimes referred to as the action-reaction law, with F called the “action” and −F the “reaction”.

A synopsis of the newsletter talks about:

1.  An “Access Event” in New York, NY which will give writers direct access to people who are in decision making roles.[1]
2.  The first conference on Women in Theatre: Achieving Gender Parity. [2]
3.  A general meeting with the topic of  “What am I doing to further parity for women in the American theatre that doesn’t cost any money?”

This last one really stuck an elbow to my side.  I’m reminded to go to my acting studio and ask if they would be willing to support LAFPI in using our logo. 

Asking has always been a weakness for me when it comes to some form of charity.  I’m reminded of a friend who called me recently to ask for a donation for her husband’s political campaign.  I empathized with her when I heard the hesitation exhibited by pauses, carefully selected words, the sighs and mostly the apologetic tone of her voice. After hearing her out, I wondered how the experience for both of us could’ve been different.  I’m changing my viewpoint from “charity” to “how it benefits” the studio to have the LAFPI logo and supporting what we’re trying to achieve.

We’re always championing change as a sign of progress and it takes a lot of courage and action to make it happen.  A segway into Newton’s first law of motion often referred to as the law of inertia:

• An object that is at rest will stay at rest unless an unbalanced force acts upon it.
• An object that is in motion will not change its velocity unless an unbalanced force acts upon it.  (source: Wikipedia)

The direct translation in my situation is “Stop procrastinating and just ask the studio if they are willing to support the LAFPI cause.”  I gain more by asking even if I don’t convince them the first time around. 

For completeness sake I’ll include the 2^nd law.  F=ma.  I think it’s like the force is proportional to the rate of change (the acceleration) and inversely proportional to the mass of what we’re trying to change. 

We need a lot of force to make the change.  As seen on the page that declares our mission statement “And now the real work begins!”

The Los Angeles Female Playwrights Initiative was created with the following goals:

1. To create an awareness of the facts: women playwrights are critically underrepresented on the American stage.
2. To advocate for female playwrights based Los Angeles – specifically by creating an active nexus between theaters, companies, organizations and theater artists who want to produce, promote and employ women playwrights.
3. To investigate and report the accurate history of producing organizations and plays by women in the Los Angeles area in the 21st century.
4. To recognize and support LA-area theaters who produce, promote and employ female theater artists through sharing our logo and advocating for – and attending – their productions.
5. To open channels and create opportunities for women playwrights, and by extension all women theater artists, in Los Angeles and beyond.

Before the end of my blogging week I will report on how I did with asking the studio to support LAFPI.

[2] This event event marks the first anniversary of the DG Women’s Initiative whose mission is to identify and address the challenges facing women dramatists, and develop action steps to advance and sustain fairness, equality and gender parity for all dramatists.  The keynote speaker for the Symposium is playwright, Julia Jordan, and features two panels moderated by Julie Crosby, producing artistic director of the Women’s Project, and playwright, Tina Howe.  Confirmed panelists include: Tessa LaNeve, literary manager of Primary Stages; Linda Chapman, associate artistic director of New York Theater Workshop; Beth Bickers, agent with Abrams Artists; Emily Mann, artistic director of McCarter Theater; playwrights Annie Baker and Winter Miller. Additional panelists will be announced.  We look forward to welcoming those of you who are coming to New York to participate!

 Just go.  Do it.  Even if what you’re thinking of embarking on is new, foreign and maybe even scary then it’s important now more than ever to trust your inner wisdom.  Trusting the inner voice strengthens our connection to the higher source of our creativity, even if we are blocked creatively.

 Yesterday, I had my first energy healing therapy with a healer whom I met at Jennie Webb’s world premiere of her play, “Yard Sale Signs”.  The Healer came initially as a stranger on Saturday night.  I had a reservation and I was running really late on Saturday evening.  I was ready to forgo the play as  I was afraid of walking in late.  But, my sense of commitment was stronger than my fear so I quickly put on my helmet and fired up the motorcycle.  I wound through traffic and found a spot right in front of the theater.  The doors were open and there was a short line at the box office. 

One of the box-office attendants called out, “Is there a Lauren here?”  I shook my head no.  Then the woman behind me asked “What did she say?”  I said, “She’s looking for Lauren.”  We both settled back into our spots and waited politely for our turn.  After a quick and warm hello with Jennie, I found a seat and settled in for a string of provoking and funny conversations in the next 80 minutes.   The play explores 3 varying mother-daughter relationships.  The impact of the story telling unfolds unconsciously. 

After the play there were pockets of conversations, and I stood next to the woman who, earlier was with me at the box office line up.  She’s a kindergarten teacher and she met Jennie at a fundraiser.  Further into the conversation I found out Hillary is a healer.  She is an Energy Healing Therapist.  Based on what I heard from her I was deeply interested.  She spoke about how Energy Healing Therapy is a healing process that clears blocked “chi” meridians.  This language spoke chakras to me and I was already familiar with the energy systems of chakras based on Christiane Northrup’s book,  “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom” (Publisher:  Random House.) 

Next thing I found myself asking her if she could see me for a session the next day.  Rather impromptu, but she admitted she’s an impromptu kind of person.   Meanwhile, my left brain was already putting on the stops:  the cost, the trip out to Venice Beach, the traffic because of the Abbot Kinney Festival.  But Hillary was all about finding a way, a solution.  We made the appointment for 10 a.m.; I showed up at her purple painted door at 10:30 (my lateness signals my resistance.)

At Venice Beach the street festivities were well on their way.  Hillary’s home was a canopy of a serene oasis against the stuffy air.  I was boiling underneath all my motorcycle gear and the heat of the engine.  I changed into shorts and a fresh shirt in the bathroom while I stared at Buddhist thangkas.

The session begins with her question, “Why are you here?”  Though she was aware of the reason it was also a question that forces me to be clear on my intention.  I intuited that the problem was my resolve to finish my first rewrite which I’ve been circling round and round with, and never getting to the end. 

I couldn’t get past a certain point.  The path was blocked.  I had the desire to be creative but I lacked something and I was getting tired of trying to figure out how to get through it.  A heavy lethargic grossness overcame me whenever a great idea popped up.  As soon as I make my way towards the computer or pick up the guitar, I allowed myself to get distracted – too easily.  I found excuses:  coffee, sugar, housecleaning, going for a walk with the dog, and mostly “I’m not ready, because I don’t have the confidence that I have something to say.”  I wouldn’t allow myself the permission to just do it, and trust my inner guidance that I am an authority on what my imagination brings up.

I explained in depth to Hillary personal issues from the past, and that I needed helped to move forward.  It was sort of a desperate plea for help, but I wasn’t sure what form that would come in.  As I relayed the “issues” one by one she would stop me to ask where physically I was feeling something.  Mostly I pointed to the abdomen, and she observed a few times that I held my breath.  After the consultation she asked if I was ready to go on the table where she touched on the energy centers.  She began with a pendulum to determine the blocked energy points in my system.  The answers from the pendulum exposed that I was blocked on my 2^nd and 3^rd chakras.  The 2^nd chakra is related to sexuality, creativity, finances, personal power, relationships, sensuality and pleasure; while the 3^rd is about the development of personality, self-esteem and ego. (Reference –  Christiane Northrup’s website:  http://www.drnorthrup.com/womenshealth/energycenters/index.php.)

I recognized that my blocked chi in this chakra is related among other things with my disjointed relationship with my mother.  In trying to do my “Physician, heal thyself” I had neglected to dig into my own “sickness”.  Guilt can be like eddies draining you down, keeping you under, preventing surfacing up towards light and new growth.  

Story telling is how we share our humanity.  It is a form of healing that asks of us to share our joys and grievances to a sympathetic ear.  The wonder to me is the magic of how my inner guidance led my path to Hillary.  With the network of people who participated that evening at the Rogue Machine Theater, I wonder what new connections were made.  For myself, continuity of the story about mother-daughter relationships and how my intuition guided me to take the risk of trying something new, and being vulnerable to someone unfamiliar, and then coming to a point of initiating the unraveling of a knot in my chi relating to my family history, my need for security, validation and healing of hurts past forgotten but still resonating in my psyche and body as ailments.

While Hillary was moving energy through my 2^nd chakra I found myself unexpectedly sobbing.  Further on, perhaps after that channel opened up I breathed continuously and deeper than ever before.  I spoke to her, “I feel like I’m drinking water for the first time.”  Her response was “the 2^nd chakra is associated with water.”  Wow.  This is too bizarre to try to understand, but just accept it Analyn, I told myself.

Afterwards, I had a feeling of deep gratitude and strong sense of well being that everything is going to be alright and I can continue my work on the play.   There are different methods of resolving creative blocks and this is one method which I highly recommend based on personal experience.  The writing process is in itself a healing process and it’s a cathartic process whereby writers need sensitivity to the effects of the process in their bodies, heart and mind.

 To learn more about Hillary go to:  http://hillarybedell.wordpress.com/.  You can contact her via email at [email protected]

There’s a writing exercise that my mentor uses to get the fire started when imagining the world of the story.  The exercise is to do stream of consciousness writing on a topic that the writer feels strongly about.  What this is does is raise the counter argument to the opinion.  Then the writer takes this debate onto the story in a parallel vein. 

The argument is the catalyst to a dialogue between the hero and the antagonist.  Both sides have a need to be fulfilled, and they’re going to try their damndest to get what they want.

Today, I’ll indulge in something I feel strongly about.  An email sent in good will, but ending with words that made me think if what each of us were pursuing was in the best of our own interest.  The email trailed of as “just wanted to say hello..let’s try and get together sometime, when you’re not so busy…”  My knee-jerk reaction was detecting an undercurrent of complaint – “when you’re not so busy…”

What I feel strongly about is when people make demands of another person’s time to fit well into their plan.  I feel there has to be a strong mutual motivation between two people to spend time together, before the other person can begin to insinuate any demands on the other.  I think the friendship/relationship is already on a bad footing when one feels neglected and the other feels obliged to be less selfish with time, money or emotional commitment.

In this situation, I’m prepared to step away and move on because I know I can’t fulfill the expectations of the other person without trying to change, and I’m not prepared for that right now.   At the moment I’m still grounding myself to my decision to be a writer, a writer who works at a full-time job, and the regular paycheck supports the habit.  But this job does take its toll on my energy, and that’s the price I pay.

I had spent the past four years supporting the artistic pursuits of another artist, a musician, and I put my artistic aspirations on the backburner hoping that when his music career takes off then I can be the playwright. 

(In hindsight, if there is a calling to do creative work then pay heed to that voice right away, because it is a calling that leads to your fulfillment as a human being.  When you quiet down that voice then you also kill that living spirit, and your life becomes a dull routine of working to consume without fulfillment.  Empty consumerism like popcorn and high-fructose syrup.)

Career aspirations and expectations did not match reality on many levels, and this tumbled into the relationship which fell apart.  Statistically, my situation wasn’t unique, but on a personal level – it sucked.  The breakup, though anguishing and nearly breaking me, also awakened me. I found strength, and I woke up: To make my dream come true, I had to be true to my dream.

Being true to my dream means that I am conscientious of how I spend my time and energy.  So when someone takes offense to me being busy then I can’t apologize.  I won’t do it, because that would negate my affirmation to organize my life around the art I am purposefully making.  My belief system has evolved that I am consciously aware that my creation of writing is the center of my universe.  The imagery includes nourishing my wellbeing by surrounding myself with supportive individuals who feels empathy with my purpose. 

It’s not selfish to do what you want to do.  If you examine at a deep level the most kind and giving acts of the “Mother Teresa’s” of the world then it’s possible to see that they are doing what they need to do in pursuit of their own happiness.  

~ There exists only one aloneness, and it is great, and it is not easy to bear.  To nearly everyone come those hours that would gladly exchange for any cheap or even the most banal camaraderie, for even the slightest inclination to choose the second best or the most unworthy thing.  But perhaps it is exactly in those hours when aloneness can flourish.  Its growth is painful as the growing up of a young boy and sad as the emergence of springtime~ 

~But that should not confuse you.  What you really need is simply this – aloneness, great inner solitude.  To go within and for hours not to meet anyone – that is what one needs to attain~ 

~Your innermost happening is worth all your love.  You must work on that.  Do not expend too much courage or time to clarify your position to others ~

Rainer Maria Rilke, “Letters to a Young Poet”, translated by Joan M. Burnham

While making an Indian style pulau for breakfast I savored the fragrance of the spices toasting together on the hot pan.  In the mix were: cardamom seeds, cinnamon bark, clove, coriander and cumin.  It struck me then that the bouquet from the heating spices was a form of alchemy.  The catalyst was the flame.  It allowed for the spices to release their unique essences and blend with the others.  I like to call it:  Greet and Meet. 

How can I apply this magic to my writing?  What is the magic that good writing needs to be fulfilling?  I think it’s simple, but so hard to get at.  And this simple magic is truth. 

 Have you ever gone to a comedy show and the material and delivery just isn’t funny?  What makes a joke funny I wondered?  Analysing it, I came up with – it’s the exposure of the subtexts beyond the words.  It’s identifying the moment that resonates in each one of us, and transforming this moment to words and action.  To the writer it is the transformation in the story and also what change happens to the story teller in going through it.

 Last night I was reworking a situation, one which I’ve been laboring on for quite sometime.  It’s an important situation in which the key players are together.  In rewriting this situation I felt there was not any flavor and substance to the dialogue.  It was flat.  What’s the matter? I asked.  What am I hiding?  And what should I do to get unstuck?  I stepped back and got busy with nervous habits – eating and drinking lots of caffeine.  Well this is not going to help me get unstuck.  Get back in there and face the situation.  What do these people really want to say?

 Now, the mystery in the process started to unravel.  I, as the writer, needed to check-in my ego at the door and leave it behind with its agenda and my idea of the story.  Though I have the omniscient point of view, I am not the god creating this situation.  I am the channel for these people trying to tell each other something important to them.  Trust Analyn.  Learn to trust the players in the game.  Know that they know what they want to say.

 So the magic was ignited when I learned to express some compassion towards my players.  I stopped dictating what I think he should say, and how she should respond.  I just let them express, and I got further along in the story.  The alchemy of the story was happening at many levels:  in the story, in my players, and in me.  It was liberating.

 “The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say.” 
– Anais Nin 

Imagine the seed of change, perhaps, carelessly dropped into the earth of your consciousness by a casual comment, or a persistent voice that calls you to ‘look into this”.  But you carry on with your days:  working to maintain life. 

 One day, you’re in a place surrounded by people and situations that are beyond the normal realms of your day-to-day activities.  There are moments when you pause and consider the purpose of it all, all this running around and keeping the fire burning till you feel burnt out.

You start to inquire what you’re doing and why you’re doing it.  How did I get here?

 ~*~

 Saturday morning, I did my 3 pages of Morning Page (Artist’s Way) at 6 o’clock which is very early for a weekend.  However, I am determined to develop the habit of getting out of bed and staying up rather than allowing for the temptation of “lingering a little longer” in bed which often ends up to be another one to two hours of combined half-sleep and strange dream states.  It’s my 6^th day of my new practice.  I am so sleepy, almost “stupid tired” that words are trailing up or down on the pages.  Incoherently drunk from lack of sleep I forge forward to the last 3^rd page.

 I do everything within my power to hang in there in my awakened state: coffee, shower, sweep the floors – just mindless activities to keep me moving.  Eventually I maintain an awareness of being “awake”.  I quote “awake” because I begin to experience the state of change beginning.  The tough shell of the spore holding the golden fluid of life, begins to soften, and allowing for stretch of tiny tendrils reaching towards light.

 By 9 am, I am eating toast and coffee for breakfast as I stare at the oleander bush beyond the iron bars keeping them out and locking me in.  I feel restless in my confinement, because I’m at a halt in play, feeling stuck in the mud because I can’t get to the gold I’m digging for. 

 “Why am I writing this?”  “Why would anyone read this?”  “What if I’m wrong?”.  The self-sabotaging question formulate my worst fear about the journey I’ve embarked upon.  My worst fear is I have nothing to say. 

 I swallow and gulp down the rest of my breakfast to run away from myself.  The reflection in the mirror is distorted, and I don’t like what I see.  Picking up the dog leash I coax my dog, “Walkies?”. She and I wander towards the thrift store near my apartment.  When I’m at loose ends I go there to play.  In this store of possibilities I can play pretend without denting my wallet.  I browse through the books and found –  “Six Plays by Henrik Ibsen” and “The Theatre of Revolt” in the heap of other peoples’ refuse.  

 I sink into “The Theatre of Revolt”, and found a blade of thought to maim and banish the sword of doubts my mind had raised. 

 “The revolt of the dramatist, it is important to add, is more imaginative than practical – imaginative, absolute, and pure.  In the earlier phases of the theatre of revolt – in some of the works of Ibsen, for example, and of Shaw – the drama sometimes begins to look like an act of utility; and in the plays of Brecht, it is designed to lead to political revolution… Dramatic art is not identical with reality for any practical application, but rather proceeds along a parallel plane; and dramatic revolt therefore, is always much more total than the program of political agitators or social reformers.  The modern dramatist is essentially a metaphysical rebel, not a practical revolutionary; whatever his personal convictions, his art is the expression of a spiritual condition.”

 –  by Robert Brustein from “The Theatre of Revolt”

 I got to this place because I asked for it – I wanted to take the journey into the unstable and unknown.  As a self-declared playwright in a family of “practical” jobs and careers, I’m alone.  This journey asks my fingers and toes to stretch beyond my comfort zone, and be prepared to be surprised and astonished.  It’s no longer the product that I’m obsessed with, but the process of change and expanding my consciousness through my writing.  The byproduct is inconsequential to what I’ve learned along the way.