by Ayesha Siddiqui

You are traveling to a place you have not been for a long time, but think of often. The anticipation of memory is shimmering within you, cascading like starlight down your arms, then back up again to your mouth where you can’t help but smile. You arrive. The sidewalks have new cracks, the tree is smaller. Or is it larger? Is it the same tree – it must be. There is no way it can’t be, you haven’t been gone that long. But how long, exactly, does it take a tree to change? Surely it must take a great deal of time. No, it’s the same, you’re sure of it. This is the same place. But it’s different. You’re different. This is not how you left.

Sometimes, writing feels this way.

The pages and pages of fiction I’ve written stare back at me – “always strong dialogue” my favorite writing teacher would say. Strong dialogue, a playwright’s bread and butter. Some days I don’t really recognize the theater anymore. What compels a playwright to decide to ask a question in her plays? To write so many words, all at once.

It never stops being strange, to go through the draft of something, or onto the next ten pages trying to figure out where you left off. Half the time I don’t know what happened in the pages I wrote yesterday. I know there is a plot because I know my craft is at a point where it is somewhat automatic. It still remains jarring. What did my characters even do a twenty pages ago? I guess I’ll have to go back and read. Sometimes even twenty pages ago isn’t something I recognize.

We love to talk about discipline in writing. Consistency, habits, routine, can you write fifty-thousand words in one month? It feels like a cage to even write that sentence. What I wish we talked about more is the shedding of skin, learning to deal with our own inevitable evolution. If a format isn’t working for you anymore, stop. Powering through is exhausting. Perhaps sometimes we need to change the medium, not our work. Do not be afraid to change containers when one will no longer fit. Poems, prose, fiction, or plays, it’s all fair game. You’ll ask playwright questions without even meaning to. It’s just what we do.

It’s the same tree, after all. It’s just how you see it now.